The Very Secret Diaries
by Beauty Diva
Summary: Fanfiction for fanfiction! A spoof on Cassandra Claire's the Draco Trilogy and her LoTR work, the Very Secret Diaries. Contains shameful amounts of slash and het.


Welcome to the first diary, Harry's diary. This story is funny if you've never read the lord of the rings VSDs, but is not really funny if you've never read the latter parts of Draco Veritas. Both are works found here Draco Trilogy and here Very Secret Diaries.

Oh, by the way, I love slash and will use it relentlessly on Draco and Harry in particular. 

Disclaimer: I do not own the Draco Trilogy or the Very Secret Diaries, no matter how many times I claim to. They belong to Cassandra Claire ::sob:: and I am merely having a good 'ol time with her work. 

__

The Very Secret Diary of Harry Potter

  
Malfoy manor, Draco's bed  
  
Decided to stage a pillow fight in an attempt to have a little cuddle with Draco. Realized that I might be a pervy Malfoy fancier. Decided to start a Draco Anonymous alliance. Have several members in the D.A. now, was shocked to see Ron there. Ron was last to admit he had a problem, mumbling something about 'posing against furniture' and 'CPR is v. nice'.   
  
  
**  
Malfoy manor, Harry's bed  
**  
Woke up to find Rhysenn in bed with me. Was v. disappointed to find the wrong fecking Malfoy. She told me I called her name several times, so shouldn't be shocked. Pointed out that they have the same last name. We both pouted and had a cup of comfort tea.   
  
  
**  
Malfoy Manor, freezing tower  
**  
Had a snarky conversation in which Draco found out I had sex with Rhysenn. Doesn't believe me, so am sulking because he is not jealous. Lucius went to talk to me alone and showed me a provocative pimp dance which included his cane and hat for lurid purposes. Am now an even more pervy Malfoy-fancier.   
  
  
**  
Malfoy manor, freezing tower, writing letter  
**  
Started to write devastating letter to Hermione that would win me a Hero's Choice Award. Draco was saying something telepathically to me, but I only caught key words such as 'hell', 'take you', 'river' and 'death'. I concluded that Draco was threatening to take me to a river and drown me so I can go to hell. He must have seen me checking out his father's ass.   
Mental note: Only fancy one Malfoy at a time.  
  
  
**  
Hogwarts, Infirmary  
**  
Draco's shirt rucked up = drooling Harry. Asked him why he slept with his arms crossed over his chest in hopes that he would cross his arms, which would in turn would pull his shirt higher. Didn't work but I managed to snuggle him a bit after pretending to fall asleep.   
  
  
  
**Hogwarts, Gryffindor common room, Christmas gift exchange  
**  
Draco and I disguised our presents. What looked like the Malfoy Code of Conduct was in fact Kama Sutra and what looked like the Marauder's Map was a detailed map of my own body. The map key is especially pervy. Seamus tried to have a cuddle with Draco and I almost killed him. No one touches my man unless it is another Malfoy and that just leads to a v. Bad Place.   
  
  
**  
Train, having dream with Ron in it  
**  
Had a dream with Ron in it. Told him to get out of my dream because he was stalling my choo-choo fantasy with Draco as a train conductor wearing nothing but a pinstriped hat. Ron told me to bugger off and then said a lot of stuff about him being my best friend. I pointed out that he as good as slept with my girlfriend and lied to me about the whole affair. He pointed out that I wanted Malfoy anyways. Conceded and offered him a Chocolate Frog. Frog began speaking to me, telling me a bunch of stuff about Draco still dying, a letter mix-up, and Hermione wanting a pervy Malfoy father-son threesome. Disbelieved the frog on all accounts except the Malfoy-fancying. Hermione naughty girl.   
  
**  
  
Flourish and Blotts, buying books**  
Saw Seamus at Flourish and Blotts and asked him if he knew of any places where I could stay. Told me to go to a place in Knockturn alley that is v. nice. Was hoping he would lead me to a strip club but was only a dark, suspiciously evil place with lots of hooded men. Took me several minutes to find out that it was actually a truly evil place full of Death Eaters.  
Must pay more attention to my surroundings. Am thinking that Seamus is unreliable.   
  
**  
  
Wet alley, near Midnight Club  
**  
Kissing partner wasn't Draco. Am v. disappointed. Must redouble my efforts at D.A. meetings.  
  
  
  
**Midnight Club hotel room, floor in front of fire  
**  
Have thought about kiss and decided that real Draco must be better. Am cheered and tried to write a note to Draco that had no mention of pervy Malfoy-fancying. It was v. short.   
  
  
  
**Midnight Club, nondescript closet with door blown in  
**  
Had fight with Draco, mostly because I couldn't think past his heaving, sweaty body. He shouted in my head and what I thought to be a mind orgasm turned out to be a port key taking me to a dirty floo hub. Pity. Fainted in a tOOby way in hopes that Draco would come and catch me.   
  
  
  
**Viktor's House, dreaming  
**  
Had dream featuring Draco covered in peanut butter. Woke to see glimpse of strange lady telling me that I was moaning, 'Yes, Draco, let me lick off that sticky concoction'. Fell back into sleep, cheered by the sexual word derived from concoction.   
  
  
**  
Viktor's house, milling around study with Viktor  
**  
Found out strange lady was Fleur. She didn't mention any more about my dreams, but she kept winking at me suggestively and rubbed a healing cream in private places. Went to talk about weapons with Viktor and he began to tell me of other pointy things he was interested in. Was v. shocked to find out that Viktor was a pervy Malfoy-fancier too. Apparently, Draco has been holding back sexual favors for years. I let him join the D.A. Told me that he would let me stay in a flat of his as long as I promise to talk Draco into a little cuddle time with him. Took a sword and threatened to shave off his eyebrow. I get apartment and Viktor stays hairy.   
  
  
**  
Prague, outside Viktor's apartment  
**  
After running back to get my Malfoy Code of Conduct/Kama Sutra book, found group of vampires outside of apartment. Thought they were Malfoy-fanciers also and offered them membership. A couple took the offer, but they mostly were there to kill me. Decided to use big pointy sword before was pulled into a passionate embrace by Draco. I let him talk while I got in a little cuddle. Thought he was going to use the sword in a suggestive manner before he hit me over the head with it.   
Stupid sword.   
  
  
**  
Viktor's apartment, bed  
**  
Draco got house elves to tie me to the bed. V. kinky. Didn't understand why he had to remove most of my clothes, though. I strangely smelled of apples and my hair was damp, but decided not to mention it. Attempts at flattering him were shot down. Perhaps my mentioning of bows in his hair was too much? Hermione came in and we fought over who got to play 'mediwizard'. I won after I threatened to tell Draco of her pervy obsession with him and his father. Didn't mention the fact that I had same pervy fixation. She left and forced Draco into bedroom with me.   
  
  
  
**Viktor's apartment, locked bedroom  
**  
Am once again not listening to a word Draco is saying. Am wanting to be tied up again. Forced self to listen since I got pulled miles away last time I neglected to pay attention. Says he doesn't want to be my friend, got on my knees in case it meant that he wanted to be something better…He really didn't want to be friends. Am v. disappointed and have incriminating rug burns on my knees.   
  
  
**  
Viktor's apartment, now unlocked bedroom, lying on floor  
**  
Fell asleep next to Draco. Am hanging onto his cloak for the dual purpose of keeping him beside me and, in case he does move, for tearing off his clothing in a rough fashion. Hermione told me she loved me and kissed me. Would have been quite romantic had I not been clinging to Draco and kept tasting peanut butter. Heard strange sound outside room after she left but ignored it when Draco rolled over and cuddled.   
  
**  
  
Viktor's apartment, now unlocked bedroom, later that night  
**  
Professed my undying love to Draco. Was going to follow up profession with passionate kissing and much petting but was interrupted by strange people who put a knife to my throat.   
  
Should have paid more attention to noise. Am considering investing in a hearing aid.

This is it! Review if you want to see other characters.


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